I can't make you love me

I've been so many places in my life and time
And I've sung a lot of songs, I've made some bad rhymes
I've acted out my life in stages, ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song to you...

- Bon Iver

There ain't no rainbows without a little rain

"I'll hold your hand during the storm, if you promise to sit back and enjoy it" 

 — I Wrote This For You: The Science in the Sky

Thoughts on a sunny Sunday morning

“No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day.This is all practice.”

— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

The stuff that goosebumps are made of :)

Hurdled in

'And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren’t any other people living in the world'

- Anne Frank

Through the Force, things you will see...

Love it :)

Expectation

... is the root of all heartache.

— William Shakespeare

So true. 

Six feet under the stars

I think my sense of spirituality lies within music.

That sense of peace, and being one with the outside, calm on the inside and in sync with the world.

Finding myself in the space of a song, between the beats, within the words.

That journey of acoustic discovery, never ending.

The discovery of song and the creation of musical instruments both owed their origin to a human impulse which lies much deeper than conscious intention: the need for rhythm in life… the need is a deep one, transcending thought, and disregarded at our peril. 

-Richard Baker

'Today we lived a thousand years.. '

Swirling snowflakes out the window. The Distance to Here in the background. It's been a happy day :)

The 7am laundry appointment turned out allright in the end; with naps in between, it was pretty cool watching the sky lighten each time I trudged out through the snow. And I love the feeling of putting on a freshly laundered, still-warm-from-the-dryer pair of tracks :)

My own version of a Feng Shui attempt left me re-energised and basking in the light, even if it only lasted till late afternoon. I like the new layout and the renewed feel to the space, though staring out the window is taking over too often :p

The long overdue catch up with Prince Lovedial :) I hope I'll see you in the summer! Of floodwaters, epic Secret Santas and employment woes. I kind of miss that chapter, but more the people who made it so great. I don't really want to go back there.

The purchase of my new camera, half a world away, in a matter of 5 minutes. I'm excited, and can't wait to meet it next week :D I really need to stop looking at camera specs and get rid of the dissonance :p 

Skype swaps, and problems 7 hours ahead of me- I can't believe how dependent we are on the internet sometimes. Funny photoshop attempts, crazy conversations with the sibling, and laughter bordering on insane- the kind that leaves you breathless and gasping :D

A drunken online conversation, a first for me. Rib cracking typos and status updates, and what's probably going to be a very hungover morning. I hope you'll be ok buddy.

A lazy kind of afternoon, with the home made pasta lunch at 4pm and one of those amazing naps after.

Wedding bells on the horizon, and another reason to grin like mad today. I'm ecstatic for her, and he's such a lucky guy- they're the kind of couple that make you believe in love, all over again. We need more souls like that out there- inspiring, genuinely kind and truly wonderful.

Startled cows and the Anver brothers- it was good to hear their voices, annoying as they are :) I'm excited about the new job and ideas, and so darn proud of what they've done.

I wish I could look into a crystal ball sometimes, and see what lies ahead. Career paths to consider, versus chasing that ever elusive sense of contentedness- I guess its harder when you don't really know what you're looking for.

Duplicity won over in the end. Twisted and confusing, but I loved the final 10 minutes.

A longing for a road trip, a swim, a walk on the beach, a conversation with a kindred spirit over coffee. I'm not easy to understand I know, and I miss those of you who do- because sometimes I don't get me either :p

Realizations prompted through laughter on the line, the kind that you'd rather leave buried under and avoid dealing with. I know how this will end, and I swore off that kind of chaos- though its scary finding out that some things are still, unconsciously, unresolved. Bittersweet sentiments, at best.

I miss the chatter of the kids, waking up with that huge mug of coffee and sunshine streaming in, chillin' on the couch with movies on loop, the walks in the forest in knee deep snow, the late brunches, sleep-in mornings and cosy candle lit dinners. Uppsala, you won over my heart.

And then there's that backdrop of loneliness, the constant ebb and flow. The weird sort, where you feel alone but don't really want to be around people either.

At the end of the day though, I know there's a lot to be happy about and thankful for :) Here's to the unwavering warmth of family and friends, all that love, comfort, happiness and laughter, and those dreams that need chasing.

And so begins a new decade :)

Happy New Year! I hope 2011 brings with it lots of happiness, love, solace, laughter, cherished memories and surprises- the good kind :)

“What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land”

-Che Guevara

[Thanks for this Jo. Couldn't have said it better]

Simplicity

"The simple person lives the way he breathes, with no more effort or glory, with no more affectation and without shame…. Simplicity is freedom, buoyancy, transparency. As simple as the air, as free as the air…. The simple person does not take himself too seriously or too tragically. He goes on his merry way, his heart light, his soul at peace, without a goal, without nostalgia, without impatience. The world is his kingdom, and suffices him. The present is his eternity, and delights him. He has nothing to prove, since he has appearances to keep up, and nothing to seek, since everything is before him. What is more simple than simplicity? What lighter? It is the virtue of wise men and the wisdom of saints."

- André Comte-Sponville

Constants

“I’ve learned that: goodbyes will always hurt, pictures can never replace being there, memories forget the hard times, words can never replace feelings, and heros often go unsung.”

— Unknown

But what kind of heart doesn't look back?

Goosebumps again. It's been a while :)

My lyrical addiction

‎'Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment. Which is pretty amazing, when you actually think about it'

- Sarah Dessen

Different timezones, halfway across the world

“There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound.”

— Diana Cortes

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming..

Sometimes, I wonder though.

A fall in the snow, an exam, a post exam lunch celebration and 3 hour chat over coffee, a failed pub escapade, a spontaneous re-grouping at a random location, and an almost shopping spree turned tea drinking marathon turned dinner splurge, with more chatter and laughter.

A happiness of sorts, but at the end of the day, those lingering doubts and hidden insecurities make an ugly appearance. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things, for all the wrong reasons.

'when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...'

6th sense?

Sometimes, you just know. You hear the opening bars of a song, and know the goosebumps are on the way. You make a new friend, and know that it's the beginning of a lifetime of memories. You walk out of the airport in a country, and know you've come to the right place.

That instant synaptic connection.

Maybe the universe does have a plan for all of us :)

Our song

'We never were
We'll never be

Strangers kissing in the pouring rain
Chasing after your leaving train
But we know that's not how our song goes'

-Spill Canvas

Some kind of wonderful :)

So I was born in Uppsala, Sweden. And I live in Stockholm  right now. Uppsala is 35 mins away by train, which makes it the ideal weekend getaway, and provides a sort of calm escape, away from the chaos.

Last year, visiting the neighbourhood where I grew up brought back flashbacks of my childhood, playing in that park and running around along roads. It felt like re-reading a chapter at the beginning of a book that you can't remember well because you've lost yourself in the rest of the story since then. Today, I visited my dad's host family, 18 years after they saw me last.

Some kind of wonderful, to say the least.

I felt like I belonged to that family of almost strangers, something I've not felt since arriving here 2 months ago. The warmth, the kindness, the genuine caring. A relationship still going strong for almost 30 years, weathered by time and still as strong. They've seen me as a newborn, remember stories of ironical chats I had with my dad at age 3, and have followed my life across the miles, through letters and emails and jpeg attachments. Their kids have kids now, and I found myself making with friends with that generation.

I'm flooded right now, with this overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness and appreciation. Of how there's still nice people left in this world. Hope in humanity restored, in the space of a few hours. Holding Stina's little gloved hand and walking through the snow, with her grandma by my side, made up for all the hours of darkness that have come and gone. Hugging people I hardly know, and feeling like I've known them all my life.

Some kind of wonderful, to say the least.

So hold this feeling like a newborn...

"but the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer"

- Missy Higgins